I'm feeling sad tonight, as I sit down to write this, and felt some sadness earlier. Lots of resistance and anger today too. Various stages of new and old grief bubbling up to the surface. And yet, I feel like this Sadhana, and especially this morning's phone retreat, is helping me remain calm and just breathe through it, observe it, be with it-- or rather recognize that I am "it." I am all of it. I am creation. I am inspiration. I am the trigger. I am the grief. I am the anger. I am the pain. I am the fear. I am the child. I am the woman. I am success. I am the failure. I am the stress. I am relief. I am the yin. And I am the yang. I am it all. I am that....
And that is all I'll say for now.
No, I won't silence myself. I'll fight with myself, this part of myself that doesn't want to write. And I'll love that part too, so she can soften and relax enough to let the words flow. So here it goes:
This morning I received some inspiration to offer a newmonthly women's gathering in one of my meetups as well as a weekly meditation. So before our 10a.m. Sadhana call, I got online and created the event postings. It felt so exciting to have such clarity and put these offerings out into the world!
But while inviting Facebook friends to the meditation, I was scrolling through the list of names and realized that my ex-boyfriend's best-friend/ex-wife and mother-of-two-little-boys-i-loved-spending-my-weekends-with must've just recently unfriended me. So fucking what? Who cares? But it hurt.
A short but sharp pain in my heart. A reminder of loss. A reminder of past hurts. And just when I thought I was almost ready for the "no contact" phase to end; just when I thought I was almost ready to see if we could be "just friends." But this pain in my heart today caused me to pause. To feel into the pain again, to be with it, to breathe through it. And to know it's ok; it's not even about him, or her; it's about me and part of my emotional cleansing.
And then it was time to get on this phone call with Chameli Ardagh and my yogini sisters. I didn't feel very present. But I lit some candles, took some notes, and painted my nails red in honor of Kali. And after the call, it was time to turn off my phone, turn off wifi, and dedicate the afternoon to editing my manuscript. I was determined, and I'd declared this intention last night and again first thing when I woke up.
I heard the word "Purge." I knew this meant more than just get some stuff out of the house, but there was already a bag of stuff waiting to go, plus a couple more items to add to it. So I hopped in my car and drove that bag over to Goodwill, thinking I'd edit upon my return home.
I ended up in bed.
I felt tired, and I recognized this particular version of sleepiness as resistance (I don't wanna....). Resistance to the pain, the grief, the sorrow that's still inside, some of it ancient, some of it new. (I don't wanna feel bad; I don't wanna cry; I don't wanna be distracted and drained by these emotions, thoughts, and memories....) Resistance to working on my book. Resistance to spending a beautiful sunny day inside, when originally a day trip had been planned but then cancelled.... [sigh]
So I ended up in bed for an hour. And then? I felt great! Ta da! I am it all. The ups and downs. The ebbs and flows.... But I still didn't want to write. I wanted to go out and enjoy the day! So I made plans to meet a friend for a walk, and talked to some other friends on the phone before that.
All in all, I felt pretty good. Happy to have decided to let go of my "I must stay at home and work all day" mindset. But I ended up at my parents' house, where I received some disturbing news, and that stirred up a whole other world of grief and fear and sadness. So I sit with that now. I sit with it all. Not feeling agitated over it. But feeling it. Being with it. Being it. Breathing it. Accepting it. Holding the polarities. Holding myself.
Rebecca Clio Gould is a Certified Sheng Zhen Teacher and Holistic Wellness Coach. Her specialties include self-love, embodied joy, women's sexuality, spirituality, surgery preparation, and trauma recovery. She is also a Supreme Science Qigong Instructor, Essence vs Form Coach, and Award-winning Author of "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Embrace Your Sexual Energy and Awaken Your Senses for a Healthier, Happier, Sexier You."