I wasn't going to share this here in my blog. I was only going to share it with the other women who are on this journey with me. But we are all on this journey; whether you know it or not, you're on it too. And one thing I'm being asked is to express myself more and to share my writing with the world, to not keep it inside or for a select few-- this is what I'm here for; this makes me feel more fully alive. I won't silence myself anymore. So here is the continuation of yesterday, Kali Ma Sadhana, Day 2:
Why am I here? In this Sadhana now because I'm tired of the power illusion has over me. I want to strengthen my ability of Truth-knowing and Truth-telling, as well as my ability to Let Go of that which no longer serves me and put more energy into Creating what does.
What does my longing pull me towards? I feel pulled towards writing, but fear holds me back. I feel pulled towards cultivating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. I feel pulled towards nature. I feel pulled towards animals. I feel pulled towards Simplicity and Ease.
What is ready to die? What's ready to die are the lies, the lies I tell myself, the ways I hide, and how I deny what I feel in my bones.
What makes me come alive? Being outside, teaching, loving, dancing, laughing. Touch. Dropping in to my body, senses heightened. Merging with the Universe. Remembering what's True and what matters most.
--- Interesting. After writing that, I realized the prompt was "What makes my heart come alive?" not "What makes me come alive?" So I asked again and shut my eyes, and the first thing that came was "singing." Didn't expect that! What else? Whistling, kissing, eye gazing, caressing, Sheng Zhen, the wind, child-like laughter, children laughing, tickle-induced laughter, and the feel of a dog or cat licking my toes. Being twirled around on the dance floor or in an embrace. Being seen, being received, being loved. And loving.
What do I want? I want freedom. I want power-- as in the energy and knowing of a strong creative force in me. I want elation. I want peace. I want to cut through all the bullshit and get right to the point. I want a dog. And a good man. I want to be a mom. And I want a couch, a comfortable one. And I want to teach more and finish the book I'm writing and get my writing out into the world. I want to create, create, create. I want to stop damming up this river of nearly constant ideas and inspiration. I want to let it flow. I want to let go.
Rebecca Clio Gould is a Certified Sheng Zhen Teacher and Holistic Wellness Coach. Her specialties include self-love, embodied joy, women's sexuality, spirituality, surgery preparation, and trauma recovery. She is also a Supreme Science Qigong Instructor, Essence vs Form Coach, and Award-winning Author of "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Embrace Your Sexual Energy and Awaken Your Senses for a Healthier, Happier, Sexier You."