I'm sitting on the couch in the rec room of my parents' house on Mercer Island. This was my childhood home from the age of 8 on up. And 23 years ago, when I was 16, on a Monday, on President's Day, the first day of mid-winter break, I remember being in this room.
In the earlier part of the day I was watching Pulp Fiction with two friends. And then, after taking them home, I found myself back in this room, back on the couch, in front of the TV, watching Melrose Place.
And then I went to bed. It must have been 9 or 10pm, which was pretty early to go to bed during a vacation, but I was sleepy, so I went to sleep.
But not for long.
Around midnight, I received a phone call on my parents' landline. I had a phone in my room, but the ringer was off. My mom knocked on my door, though. She said someone was calling from work.
I worked at Tony Maroni's pizza. I knew it wasn't really a call from there. But I crawled to the foot of my bed and answered the phone. And soon I was getting into someone's car to go watch The Usual Suspects. But we didn't make it to our movie-watching destination...
There's more to this story, a lot more, and it's in a manuscript I mostly finished back in 2012. And some day I'll finish it, when I know what the point is of sharing it and how the story ends.
But for now I'll just say, for those of you who don't already know, that night I was in a nearly fatal, highly traumatic car accident.
You can read an old blog post about it here--a blog post that inspired me to convert that whole manuscript into the style of "epic poetry." No joke. I worked on that conversion in my friend's attic, where I was temporarily living, when I first moved down to Austin to work with Master Li on his books.
It's tempting to share some more of it here. But for now I feel it's best to just redirect you to my old blog.
And speaking of now, what more do I have to say about this day?
Anniversaries are stored in the cells, which can feel like a gift or like a curse. Or like both.
I've done a ton of healing--physically, emotionally, energetically, you name it--and the driver and I are on good terms. But every year, as February 19 and 20 approach, I feel it. I feel a combination of things, and it's shifted over the years to be mostly positive. I have more of a survival story than a victim story now. I feel grateful for the blessings in disguise and the gifts that have come from this experience. I see how the accident and its aftermath have shaped my life in mostly good ways.
But I'd be lying if I said it was all good. I even just recently found out about an impact of the accident I hadn't anticipated. And some day I probably will share more about that. But not today.
Today I just sit with it all and don't feel like saying much more. I sit with the blessings and gifts, as well as the harmful impact. I sit with the perfection of it all, even the parts that have been hard. I know it's all part of my path. And I'm grateful to have survived. I'm grateful for this life.
In my blog post the other day, I shared a concern that if we say "everyone has something to heal" or "everyone is always healing," then it's like implying there's "something wrong with them." Something broken. Something needing to be fixed.
I asked you to share some thoughts on this before I share more of mine.
And now, here are mine:
I feel that it's important to remember the Truth of who we are: We are are Perfect. We are all Whole. Nothing to fix.
And yet it's also true that we have things to heal.
Sometimes we have things going on physically, emotionally, mentally, or energetically that appear as problems--or as something that needs healing. Perhaps the important thing here is to recognize that just because we are healing, that does not mean we are broken or that there's something "wrong" with us.
What's so wrong about feeling like there's something wrong? I can hear some people thinking that! Even a part of me is wondering that!
And my answer is: It depends.
Does the thought--do those words--empower or disempower you? Does the thought of needing to heal imply that something is wrong with you? And does the thought having something to heal or feeling like something is "wrong" make you feel smaller or help you feel more expansive and motivated towards taking some action? Does acknowledging that something is/feels "wrong" make you feel bad, or is it just useful information to guide you towards making a change for the better?
Some of this is about semantics--whether it's the word "healing" or the word "wrong." Some is about perception and belief systems.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. I feel very curious to hear from others about this. All I know is that as a teacher, or in any leadership role, it feels important to me to be mindful and considerate regarding word choice and the power of words.
So, personally, I don't feel comfortable saying that we are all in the process of healing, and yet I recognize that maybe--depending on how you look at it--maybe we are.
Even as I write that though, part of me sighs, ugh, but that just feels like so much work. I just want to be free and not always feeling like there's something to heal!
So when I share a concern about how others will take "we are all healing something," maybe I'm projecting. Because sometimes that implies to me a need for ongoing work. A constant need for improvement or something. And not in a fun, expansive, and evolutionary way.
Then again, sometimes I do see healing as an adventure, as constant growth and expansion! And that feels good.
So, again, the bottom line is that it depends. It depends on who you are. It depends on the day. It depends on the context.
Today the thought of everyone always being in need of healing doesn't feel good to me. Maybe it would ring true another day. I don't know.
Again, I find myself wondering, what do you think?
What does healing mean to you?
Comment or send me a message. I'd love to hear from you.
A couple weeks ago, one of my Sheng Zhen students asked me, "Why is this form called Healing? Is there an assumption that we're all healing from something?"
What a question! I felt both excited to answer, and a bit surprised to be asked this. We had just finished Sheng Zhen Healing, Stage 1. We may have done Stage 2 that day as well. I don't remember now. But I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday.
I remember asking if anyone had any comments or questions, as I often do. And this one student asks about the form we just practiced and why the title is "Sheng Zhen Healing."
"Why is this form called Healing? Is their an assumption that we're all healing from something?" she asked.
At first I felt unsure of how to answer. I absolutely love questions like this, but in over 10 years of teaching, nobody had every asked me this.
So, I thought about it for a moment and responded, "I don't think that's what was meant to be implied. But perhaps we are all healing from separation and disconnection, at the very least? I don't know... However, I don't think Master Li meant to imply anything like that. My understanding is that the "Sheng Zhen Healing" forms (stages 1, 2, and 3) were a result of being asked for a form to help those with Cancer and AIDS. That being said, the Sheng Zhen Healing forms are often practiced by people who are physically well and aren't necessarily trying to heal physically, emotionally, or spiritually."
And then another student said something like, "but aren't we all healing from something?"
I may have laughed--I just chuckled now thinking back to it. But I also remember feeling sensitive to the idea of saying that everyone is healing whether they would see it that way or not.
And so, I responded something like, "Well, yeah, I suppose you could say that, and I hear what you're saying. But for some people, that could imply there's something 'wrong with them' or that there's something they always need to be working on. Some people wouldn't like to think that, even if it's true! So I wouldn't impose that wording or concept onto anyone even though I hear what you're saying."
And then I posed the question: Do we all have things to heal, whether we're aware of it or not?
What do you think??
Really, I want to know. I'd love to see a discussion about this in the comments to this blog. Or email me. Do you think everyone has something to heal?
I have more to say, and I even already wrote it. But I want to stop here for today. I'll share the rest tomorrow or Saturday. In the meantime, please share your thoughts... :-)
Last night I was asked to take a look at which things in my life are "pretending to be urgent" and therefore getting in the way of what's really most important. And so I was also asked to look at what truly is most important to me!
This came up in Laura Lavigne's online Happiness School, which I highly recommend!
First of all, this concept of recognizing that so much of what we feel is urgent really isn't urgent--well, that's a game changer. I'm already pretty good at saying no and having boundaries, like turning off my phone ringer when out with friends or when focused on a project. But I still find myself tending to prioritize some things that aren't actually as important as what's most important. I still find myself not doing some of the things that I really yearn to do and that I know would be good for me to do more often.
So, what is most important? What are my real priorities?
I believe this can be looked at on a macro level as well as a micro level. It can be looked at in a big picture way, but also in a day-to-day-what's-on-your-to-do-list type of way.
And in last night's class, as well as today while writing this, I am thinking more about the day-to-day, how to manage my priorities and time during the work week. And I have a feeling that the choices I make here will also somehow reflect my bigger priorities and values.
At the end of class, there was a prompt to list three things that are truly important to us.
Want to know what I wrote?
1. Sheng Zhen
The truth is, at first I had "connect with friends" as number 3! But then I realized that although that's very important to me, it comes after these other things. I feel more present and can enjoy social interactions more if I've already done these other three things. And as I type that, I recognize a self-care element to this.
So, this is my foundation. At least for now. Maybe it will change over time. Maybe once I get back into a better habit of including yoga in my day, I can take that off the list and replace it with something else, like connecting with friends, but we shall see...
For now I'm just making a conscious choice to say, "Hey, these three things come first. Even if it's just 5 minutes of yoga, it happens before I start checking email." I need that kind of message for getting back into a yoga practice! Can you relate?
And even though Sheng Zhen is my passion, again, if I start checking emails and going into work mode before I've done some moving or non-moving Sheng Zhen, then I don't always end up doing the practice later in the day--other than the "I am a big body of Love" mantra! Yes, even just taking a moment to feel like a big body of love is a good Sheng Zhen practice. But I want more. I want to hear the contemplations as I practice along with a video or audio track! And for me, personally, it's important to do this in the morning.
And then there's writing! And here is a big part of where the magic of the Happiness School comes into play. I wrote down "writing" as one of the things that's most important for me to do on a regular basis. And voila! For the first time in--how long? certainly over a year--I'm writing a blog post.
Although I've done plenty of editing and also social media post writing, and some newsletters, I haven't done any "real" writing, like blogs or articles or working on books for a very long time.
After I published my book, I think I went through some sort of postpartum depression. I also let other things take on a greater sense of urgency. But now it's time to get back on the saddle! I've been thinking "it's time" on and off for a while now, but I still wasn't taking action. I wasn't prioritizing it.
Until now. And all it took was the combo of calling out false urgency as false and this prompt, this assignment, to list three things that are important to me. :) How cool is that?! Here I am, already making a change that makes me happier, within less that 24 hours of class.
Maybe you want to join this school, too, and experience this kind of magic for yourself? Classes are recorded, so you can see last night's class via video. :) You can click here to learn more.
But I digress. The main point of this blog was not to send you to the school (although I do think you should check it out! ;)). The main point was to get started with prioritizing writing!
I didn't know that I was going to write about this. I thought I was going to write about a conversation I had with some Sheng Zhen students! But this is what came out. So, stay tuned for something about that conversation with my students!
This blog entry marks the beginning of my commitment to write on a regular basis. I may not write every day; I start with aiming for 4 to 6 days a week. And it will not always be a blog post or something I share publicly. But I'll be writing. And spending more time on the yoga mat. And practicing Sheng Zhen every morning. Everything else can wait.
When was the last time you stopped to watch the squirrels? Or some other little critter out in nature? Most likely you've heard the saying "stop and smell the roses." But what about "stop and watch the squirrels"? You probably haven't heard that one, because I just made it up. Not that it's outside the realm of possibility that other people could have had that thought or said those words. ;-) But that's a whole other topic. So I'll get back to the squirrels.
A couple days ago, I took my dog Buddy (yes, that's his name, the name that he came with) to walk around Green Lake here in Seattle. Usually I let him stop to sniff around and look at squirrels for a little while, but then try to keep him moving so that we make it around the lake in a "reasonable" amount of time. But on Monday, I didn't care about going all the way around the lake, even though it feels sort of strange not to. Monday was a beautiful, sunny day. And in October, you never know when it will be our last for a while. So I really just wanted to be outside. No agenda.
So when Buddy would stop to look at a squirrel, instead of trying to get him to keep walking, or instead of taking that moment to check my phone, I just stood there with Buddy. Watching him. Watching the squirrel. Watching him watch the squirrel. Looking deeply into the squirrel's eyes. And it felt so good!
Now, I'm someone who loves animals. I always loved watching the birds and squirrels play in my yard. But since getting Buddy back in March, I guess I wasn't really giving squirrels much of my attention, at least not in the same way. Now Buddy was my cute animal to watch and squirrels were just something that made Buddy yank on the leash or not want to keep walking.
Like most dogs, Buddy is very interested in squirrels, but he rarely runs after them. Usually, he just stares. Stares and stares. Stares into their eyes, if they're close enough and willing. And at Green Lake, most of them were! So I got to watch a few staring contests. I also saw a squirrel drink from the lake. I don't think I've ever seen that before. And to be honest, I don't know for sure if the squirrel was drinking from the lake or washing something off or what, because the squirrel's big bushy tail and rear end were blocking the view a bit, but it was probably one of, if not both of those, actions. And it made me smile.
I felt really happy feeling so patient and present and available to seeing more of what was happening around me. Imagining what it's like for Buddy. His mind isn't filled with a bunch of thoughts. He doesn't care about walking around the lake in a certain amount of time. He's just taking in all the smells and sights as fully as he can. Totally in the present moment.
And through that state of presence comes the opportunity for communion. One of my favorite feelings. Communing with nature. With other living things. With the elements. With other people.
Speaking of other people, as I stood there, in these various spots whenever Buddy would stop, feeling patient, relaxed, in awe and amused by what I was witnessing, other people started to stop. They'd stop and look. Curious what Buddy was looking at. Maybe even curious why I was standing there smiling and laughing.
Several conversations with strangers took place that day. One woman who stopped to talk to us (ha! yes, me and Buddy), was a woman who had sat down with us on a bench at Green Lake about a month ago. It was the day I found out my grandmother died, or perhaps the next day. And this elderly woman and I had a lovely conversation back in September and now again in October. Connection. Connection is so easy to find if we're just willing to see it all around us. Be open to it.
So if you're feeling a lack of connection, take the time to stop and watch the squirrels. Go out into the world and keep your head up. Make eye contact with others--squirrels and humans too! Smile. Say hello. Treat the people you encounter in your day as if you've known them for years. Why not? It's fun. Or at least it can be if you decide it will be regardless of how others respond.
Some people will be delighted to interact with you. Some won't even realize you're trying to interact with them because they're so not used to it! So, don't worry if your "hello" or smile goes totally ignored or even makes someone look concerned. Just continue on, and I promise you you'll get more smiles and hellos in response to your own the more you do this and the more you feel at ease with it. :)
That's all for now! Now go out there and watch some squirrels. And while you're at it, smell some roses too.
I've been going through old journals and just found this gem: ;)
WHAT IF YOU WERE A FISH, CONFINED TO A FISH TANK, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? All you can do is swim. And eat. There are no options to leave. You can’t go to another fish tank or the open sea. You’re here in this fish tank in this Honda dealership in Bellevue, WA.
Somebody once told me fish tanks’ sizes are not cruel because fish don’t remember where they’ve been long enough to realize they’re so confined.
But what about when they bump up against the tank? What’s that like for a fish that’s never known anything else versus a fish that remembers life in the sea? Well if what I heard about fish memory is true, there’d be no memory, no comparison to anything else. It just simply would be.
Fish can just be.
Do they think though? I’m watching this clown fish swim and float and look around. Is it really looking? Is it thinking? What is a fish’s consciousness like?
If my consciousness were trapped in a fish’s body, in a fish tank, I’d either go crazy or I’d learn how to fully surrender, accept what is, and be at peace with being so limited.
But I’m not a fish. I’m a human being. A human being so recently caught up in doing that she almost forgot how free she truly is. There is nothing I need to do or not do. There is nowhere I should or shouldn’t be. I am free. Free to be me, no matter how much that changes or whatever that means.
And free to come and go as I please, regardless of doubts and fears about money, business, the future.
The future is unknown. All that’s known now is even so fleeting as the now becomes the past and the future becomes the now that then becomes the past.
You can try to freeze time. You can try to really know something. But what can you ever know other than that the only constant is change? And that includes all the changes in what we can know to be true. But only if you open up to that, only if you allow it to be so, only if you can relinquish control or the burning desire to know, and instead just observe and go with the flow. Riding the waves.
Deep thoughts in an aquarium….
On September 26, I received 5 proofs of my book, The Multi-Orgasmic Diet. In this video, I share my excitement with you. Enjoy!
Me: "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet."
Me: "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet."
Gramma: "I don't understand what you're saying."
Me: "i know....The Multi-Orgasmic Diet."
Gramma: "And you printed the book with that name on it?"
Gramma: "Well I wish you the best of luck. I hope a lot of people read it. You are a very good writer. I hope it's very successful. You'll call me and tell me all about it, right? I want you to call me and tell me your book is a smashing success and that you're very happy and that it opens up a whole new world for you...This is just the beginning."
Isn't that great? I think so.
Mostly written on September 2, 2016....been sitting in my drafts folder....but watching "Embrace" Monday night reminded me to get back to it, to finish it, and share it.
Bleh! I feel sick to my stomach again, and angry, just thinking about it. And maybe I "shouldn't" be publishing this since I'm also in the process of trying to get magazines to feature my upcoming book, The Multi-Orgasmic Diet. But I have to speak to this.
Last night I went to Half Priced Books to look through some magazines. I had two intentions: 1) find some magazines with images and words I'd like to use for a vision board; and 2) do some research to see which magazines I might want to submit articles to and/or which magazines would be more or less likely to feature my book.
And what I saw was disgusting. Magazine after magazine, page after page, of photo-shopped images of women in poses and with facial expressions that are clearly trying to send a message of what sexy should look like. And they're not even real. And even in a mag that had a feature on the beauty of plus-sized women (and don't even get me started on how the term "plus size" is problematic), the ads on other pages sent another message: you need to lose weight. You need to buy this. You need to buy that. You need to look like this. You need to look like that......if you want to be happy. if you want to be healthy. if you want to be sexy.
And it's fucked up. So many women are being brainwashed into thinking they need something outside of themselves, or need to be or look different. It's totally damaging.
This is actually exactly why those magazines should feature my book, but also why they might not be willing to.... They make their money off of this bullshit.
You see, my book tells women that they are good enough as they are and to ignore the media standards of healthy, happy, and sexy. We all know how many businesses would be hurt by women loving and accepting themselves more, so I imagine mainstream magazines might not be so thrilled about the message I'm sending.
It's going to take a lot more than my book, though. Those magazines need to change, especially the ones that claim to be for the benefit of women, for the health of women. Jesus, I even saw a yoga magazine that is clearly perpetuating the problem. It's sad. And it angers me. And I just need to say that. So there you go. And I'm done. For now....
I've started it again. Some of you may remember that I did this last Fall, too. I've also stared making YouTube videos. So in terms of what I have to say about Day 1 of The Ultimate Yogi this time around, you can find it by watching the video. ;) As for this blog, I have some writing coming soon....
Rebecca Clio Gould is a Certified Sheng Zhen Teacher and Holistic Wellness Coach. Her specialties include self-love, embodied joy, women's sexuality, spirituality, surgery preparation, and trauma recovery. She is also a Supreme Science Qigong Instructor, Essence vs Form Coach, and Award-winning Author of "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Embrace Your Sexual Energy and Awaken Your Senses for a Healthier, Happier, Sexier You."