This morning I remembered that I'd dropped the ball on getting back to someone about meeting up. My sister-in-law's friend recently moved up here, and we emailed almost two months ago, saying we'd get back in touch in late September to make plans.
But neither of us did. And it was nothing personal. It's just that life happened. Distractions happened. I went in and out of forgetting completely and then remembering but not reaching out because of not being available yet or not having clarity on my availability.
And remembering to contact her this morning, and finally emailing her back about meeting up, comes at the perfect time for me. It makes me laugh. It even soothes my soul a bit. It's like one of those "aha!" moments. Why?
Because there are a few people who I haven't heard from who either said they'd be in touch or who I left messages for that have not yet been returned. And I was starting to make up stories about it. Not for each of them, but for a couple of them. I was starting to take it personally and/or starting to make character judgments or assumptions because of their lack of communication. And that's not really fair. Because here's the thing: we all do this. And although sometimes it can indicate something about someone's character or an unhealthy relationship dynamic, sometimes it really doesn't mean anything other than that life gets busy and distracting, and sometimes we forget.
Sometimes it's not personal. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's a conscious choice. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's about priorities. Sometimes it's not. People get busy. People get distracted. People forget. People drop balls. And sometimes that feels shitty. But sometimes it's okay.
I just love that this happened today because it was like one of those real life examples of that saying about how what we don't like in others is what we don't like in ourselves (or something like that). And I don't like it when I drop the ball. I'm usually really good about following through, especially when it involves others. I usually either do what I say I'm going to do or I let the person know it'll be a bit longer or that I can no longer do what I said I'd do....
Oh, but as I type that I recognize that if I'm being totally honest, then this isn't the only thing at play for me in this situation. In fact, the main thing is probably a childhood wound around rejection and other kids not wanting to play with me. Even though there's plenty of evidence to support that others do want to "play with me," this old childhood wound still wreaks havoc from time to time. And I'm working on it. Admitting to it here feels helpful, like a form of releasing it. And a way to gently hold myself accountable to not let it get the best of me.
I didn't expect this blog entry to go there. But here we are.
So, what's this blog entry really about? It's about not taking things personally, having compassion, and also having the courage to look at what's underlying our painful thoughts and feelings. Is the painful thought and feeling really because of what's currently happening? Or is some old trauma or wound influencing how you perceive what's happening?
This kind of self-inquiry is so important for optimal well-being and personal growth, and for having healthier, happier relationships--both with others and with yourself!
So I invite you to ask yourself those questions next time you catch yourself taking things personally or making up stories about others.
Another helpful tool is the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, from Byron Katie. You can download a free pdf to guide you through a process of self-inquiry, questioning what's really true, and releasing yourself from the bondage of painful thoughts and feelings. Get it here. You can also just identify one painful thought and do "The Work" (Katie's 4 questions at the bottom of the worksheet) rather than going through the entire worksheet. Depends on what's bothering you and if it has anything to do with other people in your life or not.
If you try it out, let me know how it goes.
That's all for now!
Life is short. So, cut the bullshit.
Life is short. So, who really cares?
Life is short. So, live it to the fullest!
Life is short. So, why bother?
Life is short. So, tell them you love them...
You can spin it either way, this life is short thing. It can free you up or bring you down. It can make you an asshole or make you a saint. The choice is yours. It always is...
Life is short. And sometimes it's even shorter than we anticipate. You or someone you love could get diagnosed with a terminal illness, suddenly drop dead from something like an aneurysm, or get hit by a bus. Death can come at any time, to anyone, unexpectedly.
So? So, let's get clear on what matters most. Let's get clear on how we want to live, how we want to treat others. Let's be real. Let's be brave. Let's tell it like it is, with kindness and respect. Let's not hesitate. Because life is short, and you never know when you've had your last chance to be kind, to be honest, to love, to connect, to clear the air, to heal, to inspire, to liberate, to make a difference no matter how big or how small.
Life is short. Although, some say it's eternal. But so what if we continue on? That can be helpful in some contexts, but... This life, this life right now, here and now, this life is short--even shorter, in the grand scheme of things, if you believe we continue on. This incarnation, this body you're in now, this person you are today, how do you want to show up in the world? Who do you want to be? How do you want to be remembered?
Life is short, so cut the bullshit. Cut it all out. Clean it all up. Strive for greatness while loving and accepting yourself along the way. Be honest and expressive. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Otherwise, what is the point? Just putting on some sort of fictional play?
Ugh, I feel tempted to apologize. And yet I know I don't need to. But I'm feeling annoyed, and I rarely write publicly when feeling this way. It's just that I'm writing this after learning this week that two men I went to high school with passed away. I didn't know them well, but I feel the impact of the loss. I feel the grief of their loved ones. My heart goes out to them. And I've also been feeling fed up with bullshit this week--other people's and my own. I'm just done. No more. Bullshit be gone!
What if it were that easy? To just wave a magic wand? Maybe it is. But maybe it takes waving it more than once. I suppose it depends on how much bullshit there is. But why not just abracadabra and poof that shit away once or twice a day, or however often it takes? Might as well try some creative visualization and get playful with it, because, yep, you guessed it: life is short.
I've been having some insights recently about what influences my wants, my desires, my goals. And what I've discovered is that sometimes they're misguided. Even when I think they're not. Even when I'm so sure they're coming from a crystal clear place of love and divine inspiration, sometimes they've been fear-based or influenced by past trauma, old wounds, other people's opinions and societal pressure--or even by something like hormones.
Hormones are a biggy for me right now--or at least they were. Between March and mid-July, I went through 3 egg retrievals to keep my baby-making options open as I approached 40 with a ticking biological clock. I was what a nurse referred to as "fake pregnant" 3 times within a very short period of time. So, my hormones were all out of whack and affecting me in ways I didn't even realize until recently. I've just been starting to feel back to normal over the past few weeks. A normal I hadn't felt in a very long time. And along with that came some big questions, some changes of heart and mind...about various choices, goals, and desires of mine.
And as per usual lately, so much of what I want to say just feels too personal to share right now. I'm still processing and unpacking, unravelling, and clarifying some things for myself. So, although this blog post could be so much better if I revealed more of my personal story, I'm just not gonna do it. At least not today.
Today I just want to explore in a more general way this question of why we want what we want--and how what we want can change.
Or maybe that is all I want to say: What we want can change. And that's okay.
We always have the right to change our minds. Living life in an authentic way means that as we have experiences and collect more data, we just might change. Aspects of who we are and how we show up in the world might change. What we see for our future might change. Our mode of operation might change. Protective mechanisms and limited ways of thinking might fall away. And this is a good thing. It's evolution. It's growth.
It's all good. Just sometimes it feels scary or confusing, especially if it comes on suddenly or feels like a 180. But that's part of the fullness of life: accepting and embracing change. Having the courage to change. Having the courage to rewrite your story as often as needed. And feeling the freedom, the liberation, of that. Feeling the expansiveness of setting yourself free from how you thought things needed to be, if those thoughts and ways of being no longer resonate or serve you.
So, without overthinking things, it is helpful to look at why you want what you want--or don't want what you don't want. But it's also important to realize that no matter how clear you think you are, sometimes these things change. And that's okay. As I said back in 2014... Change.Your.Mind. Again and again and again...if it means you're listening to the whispers of your Heart.
I've been doing a lot of mental detoxing lately. And I'll be sharing more about what that means and how to do that in my new book, Detox Your Life. Speaking of which, one of the thought patterns I've been clearing is around urgency, such as letting go of rushing the editing process of that book in order to publish before the end of the year! So, it'll probably be available in 2020 instead of 2019. ;)
But I digress...
Not caring. That's what I want to write about today.
I was reminded the other day of "not caring" while in the process of cleaning up and clearing out toxic beliefs and self-limiting, self-defeating thoughts. I've been using several methods for this mental detox, and one is what I call "positive brainwashing."
Yes, brainwashing can be good for you! ;) Not all brainwashing is bad. Sometimes our brains need to be washed! I mean, really, think about all the junk that we take in both consciously and unconsciously each day. Don't you think it makes sense to clear that stuff away and scrub your mind clean at least every once in a while if not each and every day? I sure do!
Again, I'll share more about that in my book, and probably over time in blogs and articles as well. But right now this concept of "not caring" is on my mind because it's been working magic lately, and I owe it all to Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube--one of my favorite positive brainwashing tools.
Now, as a very caring, thoughtful, considerate person, the first time I heard encouragement to "not care" and even to recite "I don't care" like a mantra, I was amused by the relief I felt when getting into the mindset of "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care." Wow, what freedom! I realized what an energy drain caring too much--or about the wrong things--is. So I love being reminded to not care so much--and in some cases, to not care at all.
The truth is, it feels good to care less. When I care too much and try too hard, it's just exhausting and usually sabotages things. So now I'm embracing the power of not caring.
Now, this doesn't mean I am no longer a caring person. It doesn't mean I don't feel caring. It just means I'm lightening up around how I think about things. And I'm getting out of my own way.
I'm being more selective about what I do care about. I'm getting better at not caring about things that I can't control or that pull me out of alignment.
This "not caring" helps with letting go of attachments to outcome or to how things unfold. I'm getting better at letting go of some of the ways in which I think things need to be. I'm seeing so clearly how all of that over-caring, which is also a form of overthinking, is a protective mechanism. And I don't need that anymore. I can relax into trust, into faith; I can have more fun in this dance of life; I can feel more truly free.
Perhaps context matters here or would be helpful? So, here's an example. If I don't care what you think of this blog entry, I'm much more likely to let the words flow freely through me, not overthink it, and then release it into the world after just a little editing. This blog becomes a place where I can freely express myself without being a perfectionist. And that feels good. And feeling good is important. It's all anyone really wants. Although there are various flavors of feeling good, it all boils down to feeling good, right? Right.
And when I don't care what others think, I can still be mindful and respectful and kind, but I'm much more free to say and do as I please. I'm less inhibited, more authentic. I'm not walking on eggshells or trying to control things. I'm more in the now. I'm more accepting and trusting. I'm more free to be unapologetically me. And there is so much power in that.
When I care less, and don't try too hard, when I lean back and trust that everything truly is working out for me--and always has been working out for me--then things just fall into place with much more ease, flow, and grace.
And, so, I invite you to try on this whole "I don't care" thing. See how it goes for you. Or don't! I don't care. ;)
I don't care if you take my suggestion... but I do care about you.
I do care about feeling good and about you feeling good. I want you to be happy and to live your best life. I just don't care what path you take to get there but do hope you find a path that resonates, that serves you well. And so I'll wrap this up now and leave you with a link to a video all about caring and not caring.
Click here* if you're curious.
*If you've never listened to Abraham Hicks before, and/or don't resonate with the use of the word "source," you can replace it with something like god, higher self, higher power, love, the universe, inner knowing, inner wisdom, etc... Whatever floats your boat.
Rebecca Clio Gould is a Certified Sheng Zhen Teacher and Holistic Wellness Coach. Her specialties include self-love, embodied joy, women's sexuality, spirituality, surgery preparation, and trauma recovery. She is also a Supreme Science Qigong Instructor, Essence vs Form Coach, and Award-winning Author of "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Embrace Your Sexual Energy and Awaken Your Senses for a Healthier, Happier, Sexier You."