This morning I sat at my altar, lit a candle, and said "Kreem, kreem, kreem." And then? Silence. She asked for silence. I needed silence to drop in and hear. So I continued silently, om kreem kalika-yai namaha, for a minute or two and then I stopped. Lion's breath, tongue sticking out, unplanned; it just happened. And then? My torso slumped, my chin dropped to my chest; this was remarkable, as for years I've frowned upon the tendency for those in prayer to hang their heads-- instead I've advocated looking up, not down. But my body wanted this, and so I followed. I allowed. I surrendered. I waited. And I noticed myself wanting to curl up even more, into a ball, and perhaps disappear or morph into some other form.
And then my spine straightened up, unfurled. My head tilted back, neck exposed. Sweet relief and anticipation. A smile. And then some fear. Is she going to slice my throat, sever my head?
And that's when Kali appeared.
No, she said as she stroked my throat gently, lovingly, motherly.
It doesn't always have to be violent, you know.
This change and transformation doesn't always come as a shock or a trauma, or even as chaos.
Sometimes yes. But always? No.
It doesn't need to be violent, you know.
It can be easy, gentle, gradual, and smooth.
And either way,
you can be held and supported all the way through.
Yes, I replied, I do know. And thank you, Kali Ma, thank you.
I've been feeling her holding me, especially in bed at night, like a big sweet mama. I feel her revealing more of herself to me, revealing the loving, compassionate mother she is....
And then as my day went on, her fierce side came out again. It started when I got onto the freeway and started feeling some stress about traffic. She appeared out in front of my face, and smaller than the size of my head, swinging her sword all around as if to clear my path-- and that included cutting cords and cutting through limited ways of thinking.
Several hours later, while going for a walk, I saw and felt her there again, just a little bit out in front of me, swinging her sword all around, nonstop.
I could get used to this.... Kali Ma as my guardian angel, protector, and guide....
Om kreem kalika-yai namaha.
Rebecca Clio Gould is a Holistic Health Coach and Mentor specializing in women's sexuality and spirituality, as well as trauma recovery. She is also a Sheng Zhen Teacher, Supreme Science Qigong Instructor, Writer, and Author of "The Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Embrace Your Sexual Energy and Awaken Your Senses for a Healthier, Happier, Sexier You."